I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
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Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?