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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.