You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
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I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
happy mother’s day❤️
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐