When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
no regrets
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.