#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Nothing.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos