Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
He just like my cat fr
I wanna be friends with this person
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.