Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Breaking news:
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes