*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about