My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Just a reminder, folks: