I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
#NeverForget
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now