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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.