What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean