“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’ve had worse
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day