Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
You Might Also Like
awkward
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.