[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.