*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.