I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
(more comics:
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5