One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
No, I don’t think I will.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs