When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point