*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I really had high hopes for this year though
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Are we there yet?…
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.