me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
You Might Also Like
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
work smarter, not harder
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either