Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.