In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.