I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
You Might Also Like
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!