can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”