me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.