When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards