FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.