Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@DurtMcHurtt : [meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.
@DurtMcHurtt: *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
@DurtMcHurtt: [getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working.
ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..
@DurtMcHurtt: [intensive care]
NURSE: I'll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn't realize how intense the care was here.
@DurtMcHurtt: I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
@DurtMcHurtt: [god creating kangaroos]
Let's make a horse rabbit.
@DurtMcHurtt: Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
@DurtMcHurtt: *rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
@DurtMcHurtt: People think I'm kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.