Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

Page of DurtMcHurtt's best tweets

@DurtMcHurtt : [meeting girlfriend at the park] Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic! Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.

@DurtMcHurtt: *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

@DurtMcHurtt: [getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working.

ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..

@DurtMcHurtt: [intensive care]

NURSE: I'll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn't realize how intense the care was here.

@DurtMcHurtt: I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

@DurtMcHurtt: [god creating kangaroos]

Let's make a horse rabbit.

@DurtMcHurtt: Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

@DurtMcHurtt: People think I'm kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.