@DurtMcHurtt : [eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
@DurtMcHurtt: My first base coach won't let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
@DurtMcHurtt: [first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
@DurtMcHurtt: [throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy...you're free now.
@DurtMcHurtt: Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
@DurtMcHurtt: ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir...I have a family.
@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."
@DurtMcHurtt: Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn't even know.
@DurtMcHurtt: Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
@DurtMcHurtt: TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it's not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*