Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DurtMcHurtt's best tweets

@DurtMcHurtt : *throws nickel at grandpa* I need more magic ear money.

@DurtMcHurtt: [laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]

I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.

@DurtMcHurtt: There is safety in numbers, "TWENTY SIX" I yell at my burglar.

@DurtMcHurtt: [girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me...where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

@DurtMcHurtt: [meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let's do this.

@DurtMcHurtt: *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

@DurtMcHurtt: [getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working.

ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..

@DurtMcHurtt: [intensive care]

NURSE: I'll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn't realize how intense the care was here.

@DurtMcHurtt: I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.