Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DurtMcHurtt's best tweets

@DurtMcHurtt : I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

@DurtMcHurtt: *rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

@DurtMcHurtt: *covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won't get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

@DurtMcHurtt: [sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there's a band on ship?!

@DurtMcHurtt: Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

@DurtMcHurtt: Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

@DurtMcHurtt: Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

@DurtMcHurtt: For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@DurtMcHurtt: DATE: If you don't stop talking like a phone sex operator I'm gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@DurtMcHurtt: FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.