Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DurtMcHurtt's best tweets

@DurtMcHurtt : Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

@DurtMcHurtt: For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@DurtMcHurtt: DATE: If you don't stop talking like a phone sex operator I'm gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

@DurtMcHurtt: FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

@DurtMcHurtt: Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it's my trackpants. Who's house is this?

@DurtMcHurtt: COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world's number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@DurtMcHurtt: [girl I'm talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn't flexing.

@DurtMcHurtt: [eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@DurtMcHurtt: My first base coach won't let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@DurtMcHurtt: [first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?