@DurtMcHurtt: *rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
@DurtMcHurtt: *covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won't get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
@DurtMcHurtt: [sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there's a band on ship?!
@DurtMcHurtt: Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
@DurtMcHurtt: Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
@DurtMcHurtt: For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
@DurtMcHurtt: DATE: If you don't stop talking like a phone sex operator I'm gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?