Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DurtMcHurtt's best tweets

@DurtMcHurtt : [eating an entire extra large pizza to myself] ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@DurtMcHurtt: My first base coach won't let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@DurtMcHurtt: [first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

@DurtMcHurtt: [throws salad into a garden]

Go home're free now.

@DurtMcHurtt: ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir...I have a family.

@DurtMcHurtt: When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

@DurtMcHurtt: Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn't even know.

@DurtMcHurtt: Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

@DurtMcHurtt: TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it's not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*