I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that