[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.