Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dutch_50's best tweets

@Dutch_50 : I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

@Dutch_50: I know it's illegal to launder money, so I've decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

@Dutch_50: The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren't birds. They're giant blood sucking mosquitos.

@Dutch_50: I'm at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I'll need to rake.

@Dutch_50: Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don't like brussels sprouts.

@Dutch_50: So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@Dutch_50: Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.

@Dutch_50: I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

@Dutch_50: I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

@Dutch_50: I'm at that age where I can't simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.