Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dutch_50's best tweets

@Dutch_50 : The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Me: Those aren't birds. They're giant blood sucking mosquitos.

@Dutch_50: I'm at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I'll need to rake.

@Dutch_50: Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don't like brussels sprouts.

@Dutch_50: So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@Dutch_50: Good thing they specify all our brushes. Differentiating things like toothbrush from toilet brush can get confusing.

@Dutch_50: I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

@Dutch_50: I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

@Dutch_50: I'm at that age where I can't simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@Dutch_50: So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@Dutch_50: I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?