I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
ACED my prostate exam!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!