Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?