I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it