[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
excuse me
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”