Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person