Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.