Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of E_lok44's best tweets

@E_lok44 : 90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

@E_lok44: Bananas.
Because you can't stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

@E_lok44: *trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

@E_lok44: I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him "Just wait. There's a good car chase comin' up"

@E_lok44: My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

@E_lok44: Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you "shhh" someone.

@E_lok44: You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That's you, butting into a conversation.
You're creamed corn.

@E_lok44: "Be a deer, would ya" she says, mounting your head on the wall.

@E_lok44: Feel like you're falling apart? Coming undone? Can't keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

@E_lok44: I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.