[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Just a reminder, folks:
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.