Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
when you order from DoorDastardly
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen