I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
August 8
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.