Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
You Might Also Like
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos