I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Seems a bit forward
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?