The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.