E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging