Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Eden_Eats's best tweets

@Eden_Eats : The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@Eden_Eats: Jeff Bezos this morning:

"Alexa, end my marriage"

@Eden_Eats: Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@Eden_Eats: *Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *

@Eden_Eats: I hate it when baby boomers are like "your generation is too sensitive!". Like ok, Gail, I'm not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn't like.

@Eden_Eats: Thrilled I bought a 55" screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4" screen.

@Eden_Eats: Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that'll be $2.99

@Eden_Eats: The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

"Luna, don't take Josh's cone off, he just got spayed!".

@Eden_Eats: Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

@Eden_Eats: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring outside food in here.

ME: This is a service burrito.