Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.