[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
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cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
do horses think humans are hats
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Donkey Kong sommelier
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired