TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.