Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Eightinchgoat's best tweets

@Eightinchgoat : Boom! You're pregnant! -Me, speed dating

@Eightinchgoat: It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.

@Eightinchgoat: *Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@Eightinchgoat: Worst things about mid 40's:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.

@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@Eightinchgoat: I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

@Eightinchgoat: I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.

@Eightinchgoat: Her: I LOVE your beard!

Me: Thanks, yours is coming in nicely, too!

Flirting with women my age is hard, guys.

@Eightinchgoat: My neighbor seriously just asked me, "Does Canada have 4th of July?"

I said "No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@Eightinchgoat: Some dude just asked if I was "herb friendly". I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn't have thyme to discuss it.