me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!