angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
You Might Also Like
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
<—- homeless romantic
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”